Fear is one of the enemy’s most popular weapons that he uses against us, so we can’t let him win. Worry, Anxiety & Fear; it can all be overwhelming, like a thick dark cloud hoovering over us controlling our every thought & action, paralyzing us in a way.
Fear in all forms
There are all types of Fear. Fear of heights, Fear of sharks, Fear of spiders, Fear of death, Fear of public speaking, Fear of starting something new, Fear of the repercussions of leaving an abuser, Fear of not being able to make it on your own, Fear of failure, Fear of not being a good parent, Fear of life and the list can go on.
My story with fear. Where do I start? I had so many fears in my lifetime, as we all do at some point. I can go back to my childhood, I always had a fear of “The boogie man” (which was actually Satan, no lie) which led me to fear our basement until I was in my twenties, Yes I admit it! Fears that my Parents were going to die, which laid so heavy on my mind, it would give me nightmares.
As I got older, my fears changed. Fears of relationships, career choices, safety & health. Fear of disappointing my Parents and my Father, God. Which is actually a good thing, we should fear God!
The unpleasant switch
When my Ex turned the switch from Mr. lovable nice guy to Psychopathic Narcissist with OCD, I Feared him. The man I loved & trusted with all my heart, I all of a sudden Feared with a capital F.
He turned me into a nervous Nelly, I walked on eggshells for so long as he was walking all over me like a used doormat. I was afraid to do anything in “his” house, I was afraid to breathe. I felt like I was living in a glass house, afraid to touch anything as it would cause a problem or it would possibly break and I would get scolded for it.
Fear of repercussions
I was afraid, I feared saying the wrong words that would set him off, I was afraid of a fight, I feared that he would physically hurt me. I even feared the silent treatments because I knew that those days were going to be just as brutal. I was afraid of telling anybody about what he was doing to me as he threatened that nobody would believe me and I was going to look like the psycho.
Lying to protect yourself
He told me that if I ever called the Cops (which I did one night after he had me in a choke hold). I was so afraid of the down fall so I lied to the officers right to their faces. I told them I was fine and it was all a big mistake. How many of you have done this, protecting your abuser just to spare more abuse?
Obsessed of what others think of them
I got scolded more for his paranoia of what the neighbors were thinking, seeing the flashing cop car lights in our driveway and the embarrassment he was feeling due to having 3 cops living in a two blocks radius. Narcissist deeply care about what others think about them, this was high on his list of traits. This was a major issue from the very beginning that should have raised a red flag for me.
Games of Threats
He threatened me repeatedly, I was not to talk to the neighbors. He even conned up a lie and tested me on it, just in case they asked. He told me that if I tried to “embarrass” him like that again, that he would report me to the police, tell them that I was the abuser and I would be thrown out with no where to go. He told me that NOBODY would believe me and I believed him, as he was a master manipulator.
Threats were his game. His leverage that he dangled over my head was that even though I lived with him for 18 yrs (common law marriage did not exist in NJ) my name was not on the house so he could have me “removed” at any time.
The power of threats
Due to the years of threats, I feared to leave because he told me repeatedly that I would be nothing without him “he made me what I was”. He said he would take the business from me and I would be living on the streets, on welfare.
Kick out Fear with Faith
On February 26th, 2017 finding a Church home was the best birthday present I could have given myself. Week after week, hearing God’s promises and reassurances that “He had plans & a purpose for me. Plans to give me hope & a future, to prosper me, not to harm me” (Jeremiah 29:11).
Hearing this made me stronger. I knew that if I handed over my battles to the Lord, that he was going to help me out of this mess of a life I let myself get into.
<– Isiah 41:10
Joshua 1:9; Be Strong & Courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
“Light bulb” moments
The day my Sister brought the definition of “Psychopath Narcissist” to my attention, something flipped in me. My attitude and thinking changed and I started to open up about EVERYTHING, it was time!
One afternoon, I stopped in to one of my long-time good friends hair salon, who is a woman of faith also. It didn’t take her long to say “Enough is enough, you need to make a move now. You deserve much better than this”. She has always been straight forward with me and that’s one of the things I love about her. She then said “You know what you need to do, you need to pray for your fears to be gone”. I thought, Wow…I never thought to pray that way before.
The strength of a friend
She proceeded to tell me that her Husband of 28 years, who was only 56 at the time was just diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. I was in disbelief, I couldn’t have heard her right. If I did, how could she say it with such a calm tone? I remember saying “I just sat here and babbled about my bullshit life and your Husband, my friend has Alzheimer’s”, how are you so calm? She simply said “No Fear, All Is Well With My Soul”.
Faith=Courage
Her Strength & Faith AMAZED me. I knew that if God was helping her get through the hardest thing in her life than He could certainly help me get some courage to face my fears. Sometimes it takes someone else’s tragedy to make your problems seem so small. I started to pray for the fear to be gone and less than a month later, I got enough courage to finally leave.
Victim to Victor
Amazingly all fear is gone, and I am a Victor not a Victim. All Glory to God that I can say that I now own the business 100%. I am Free of him, Free from abuse, living just fine in a nicer place than I was. I found myself (a way better version than the old self) and I am happy once again. Even in this messed up Covid world, because I have Jesus by my side.
Always remember that God See’s everything that you are going through. Don’t listen to the enemies lies that nobody will believe you. God knows the truth and that’s what matters! Take heart that you can be free also. Be strong and have Faith, I pray for your day of freedom! It will happen.
This song by Zach Williams came out in 2018, right when I needed it. I felt like it was written just for me. The words were exactly what I was being told on a daily basis.