You may start out this way but you won’t feel like this for long. Happy days are coming! You will find your beautiful self again.
This is what you are going to be asking yourself, what do I do and how do I start? The first thing you need to do is to take a BIG sigh of relief and soak it in. Cry happy tears for once, you did it! Congratulations, You-Are-Free!!! You are going to be filled with so many different emotions for a few months, maybe even longer. Feelings of anger, sorrow, disbelief, joy, shame, guilt, fear, exhilaration, empowerment and even feeling humbled. You will work each one of these out day by day. It is greatly important to take a couple days to yourself, treat yourself to something special, even if it’s just a Starbucks Frappuccino 🙂 Or if you can pamper yourself, get a new hair cut or a mani/pedicure, you deserve it plus much more!
Support team
Surround yourself with good loving people that only have your best interest at heart. Be aware of people who may be wanting to take advantage of your vulnerability and stay away from the “Debbie Downers” who are not supporting you. I feel so blessed that I had my Sisters, Nieces & Friends.
My Sister Lisa & her Husband insisted that I stay with them until I found an apartment, which was almost a months time. They wanted me “Out” as soon as possible without anymore delays. Thank God I had them because I couldn’t think straight for anything. It was nice to have someone to talk/cry to but also nice to have my alone time to gather my thoughts and feelings. I also needed my alone time to talk to God, to Thank him for getting me out of “The Lions Den” safely, for a peaceful exit that I desperately prayed for, for having much better plans & purpose for my life. If you don’t have family or friends around, I urge you to find a good Bible based Church or a Women’s support group.
Awareness
Educate yourself on narcissism & healing, read books (my Sister bought me a book called “The Journey” by Meredith Miller, it’s enlightening). Journal your journey. Not just your Woo’s but your Victories. I also journaled my prayers. It is really nice to look back and make a note with a date saying “this prayer was answered on…” Don’t forget to give the Lord praise (journal your praises also).
This is my all time favorite Bible verse. It’s just one of God’s promises to us, how wonderful is this? When you feel discouraged, hang on to His promises.
Find your identity again
When you have been with someone for a long period of time in a narcissistic controlling situation, you feel like your identity is non-existent as you conformed to what they molded you to be. You did what they always wanted to do, therefor you’ll forget what your passions & interests once were. You’ll even think of yourself in the way they portrayed you to be with their abusiveness. In my case; worthless, stupid, ugly, crazy, disgusting, not lovable.
With that said, I am still a work in progress. I am still finding my true identity and let me tell you, it’s a fun process! I am getting to know myself all over again. Honestly, I forgot how strong and capable I am, how peaceful life can be. I am laughing again, my heart is softer, hatred is out (Forgiveness is key, I will share this in a future post). I feel joy & love in my soul, especially when my little’s (Great Nephews & Nieces) give me the most amazing hugs and tell me they love me. Words I haven’t heard in a long time. Of course there is nothing compared to the joy, love & peace that is felt from Jesus, but these cuties come very close 🙂
The good news is, you WILL find your identity again. You WILL smile and laugh again! Take time for yourself, immerse yourself in God’s Word and Worship. He WILL remind you of the beautiful person he created you to be. Your light WILL shine again, this is a promise.
Matthew 6:10; Your Kingdom come, Your WILL be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. (Read the full Lords prayer: Matthew 6: 9-14)
No Contact
NO Contact is key to moving on. This means NO texting, phone calls, FB stalking, visits, etc. 9 out of 10 times they will try to get you to come back. They will make you feel guilty, they will twist everything around to make you believe that You started all the fights, You are to blame for everything and guilt you to coming back.
You need to BLOCK them out of your life completely. Delete, Delete, Delete! This is powerful game changer, I didn’t realize how important this was.
You need to be strong, don’t get sucked back in! You may get one or even 20 call attempts, full of apology’s & tears. Telling you that they will change (new flash, they will never change). They will try to convince you that they still love you…begging, please come back. This happened to me the first time I left back in 2003.
This did not happen the second time, I am older & wiser, and I have God “yelling” not “whispering” in my ear at this point. Unfortunately, I had to have contact (which was hard) because we ran a business together and had to communicate. Some of you may have children (which will be even harder) but don’t let this stop you, safety & happiness is due for both you and your children. I am happy to say that now in Sept. 2020 (2 years later) all business ties are wrapped up and I am now totally Free! Praise the Lord!
Regaining Friendships
I got my Friendships back, stronger than ever. My Friends, didn’t hold my abandonment against me for all those years. It’s like we didn’t miss a beat! Good friends, like Jesus (who is the Best Friend you will ever have) understand. They are forgiving, compassionate and always there for you. The greatest compliment I got (about 6 months after I moved out) was when a couple of my friends told me “There’s the Kathy I remember…she’s back”!
Be a Victor not a Victim
I am not going to lie, this all takes time. Especially if you have been a Victim for numerous years. Don’t rush, take time to heal. Depending on the abuse you endured, you may feel a sense of a loss, feelings of grieving. It’s OK, process it by praying on it and get excited about your future.
One of my biggest issues is when someone asks me “If it was that bad, why did you stay so long?” This question used to hurt me because it made me feel shameful & stupid. If you are asked this, you will understand. My answers now are “I was told repeatedly that I wouldn’t survive without him” or “lack of money was an issue as he controlled it” (which I am finding is the biggest reason why girls feel like they are unable to leave). Or simply “I don’t know, but thankfully God protected me thru it all”.
If you are really struggling seek help, don’t feel ashamed, it’s nothing to be ashamed about. Remember, none of this is your fault. You are a “Victor”, you are no longer a “Victim” so Own it!
Happy days are coming
Happiness came when I first woke up in my own place, I woke up with the biggest smile (I still do). Thanking God first thing in the morning for rescuing me, for moving my mountains, for freedom, for placing my enemies under my feet, for making all of this possible. I take nothing for granted anymore. God deserves all the Glory! Let Him in, experience his wonderful works. Enjoy your freedom and your new life that He has planned for you!
A good song to listen to right now while you are in this phase is “The Break up Song” by Francesca Battistelli “I know who I am, I know I’m strong. And I am Free, Got My Own Identity, So fear you will never be welcome here”
Also, Chosen by Sidewalk Prophets. “Does every scar determine who you are?” “You’re not worthless, You’re precious. You are not left out, You’re wanted” Listen to the full songs, they will sing to your soul.